9/3 and 9/4 Ups and Downs

9/3
     Most days I wake up around 6am, make lunch for Shawn and Chris, then sit down as I let my body adjust (I always become very stiff over night).  Some mornings I edit photos or blog while watching House.  Depending on how I feel, I will get up, pick up the house then start my day.  Unfortunately/ fortunately most days Brennan wakes up just as I'm getting ready to get motivated.  As soon as he wakes up all he wants to do is sit and snuggle, until he is ready to get up.  Some mornings he gets up and gets moving pretty quickly, others it takes over an hour.  I love snuggles but it can kill my motivation,  hence the unfortunately/ fortunately.  Today was one of those days, it didn't help that my right knee was killing me, I still couldn't bend my right index finger, and my left elbow was feeling a little better.  I also woke up feeling like a bus ran me over then backed up to do a double tap before driving off.  Besides my joints I had a sore throat (my lymph nodes swell from time to time), right side of my face was swollen, felt like I was punched in the eye, and my back was...  Sorry I was distracted and lost my train of thought a bird just flew up to my window twice.  I could see it in the reflection of my laptop, so I glanced back only to see the biggest spider I have EVER seen inside my house climbing on the screen eek!!!! 

My mother would save it and put it outside, me on the other hand just shut the window, ick!  So yeah, my back it really hurt, I had a better way of putting it but I lost my train of thought.

     Sometimes I feel it's my fault he'll sit with me for an hour or more in the morning, I feel like I should set the example, I don't want him losing motivation in the morning because I do.  I struggle all the time with this disease and feeling like I am failing my son.  So even though I felt down, sore and tired I got up and took Brennan to a playground.  I was determined to get him out and having fun.  We got there and for a little while there was another little guy for Brennan to play with, then he left, it was just us.  I got some great pictures of my crazy little guy, which makes me smile, what doesn't make me smile is that he really wanted me to climb, slide, and play with him, I tried but the pain was just too much.  It breaks my heart that a year ago I would have been all over that playground with him, hanging upside down from monkey bars, sliding down slides, jumping off platforms, anything he could think of to ask I would have done.  I want to run, crawl, jump with him and I can't, it's the hardest thing to cope with and I am not coping well.  I don't know what else to say here....  My thoughts are being over run with emotion so here are some pictures of Brennan's park visit.

 

     What a great smile, he warms my heart!!!

 

9/4

     It started out so much better then the day before.  I woke up feeling much better, physically and mentally.  Brennan woke up early this morning, so we snuggled for a little bit, the nice thing was by the time he was ready to start the day so was I.  Got outside and was ready to tackle my to do list, I cleaned the siding around the sliding glass door, (it was starting to look green, not white) well as far as I could reach.  Sanded a box Shawn made for his trailer and the most important thing on my to do list, I had fun with my little man!  I cleaned off his sprinkler, best thing I did all day, I loved watching him run, jump and play in the water.  After the sprinkler I filled a hole in the ground with water so he could play with some mud in the shade.  He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me!  The rest of my day was pretty uneventful but it was a great day, I dropped my son off with my mom around 4pm, so I could get some things done, did some shopping and went to bed early.  Not really much to blog about but know it was a much better day!  :)  Off to get a bunch of junk, hopefully soon to be someone else's treasure ready for a yard sale.  Have a good day!!

 

-Patty Hilton- 



More painful yet better yesterday and a rather stressful day today!

     I had started to type this last night, but Brennan walked up to me as I was typing away and said "maybe we snuggle" how could I say no.  So here I am today going on noon time and I have done a whole lot of nothing.  I slept in with Brennan until almost nine, I've been editing photos and playing on my computer all morning.  My whole body just hurts, as I woke up this morning more joints were angry, yesterday my left ankle was in a bit of pain, I could not walk on it when I first woke up but I was determined to not let that stop me.  My left elbow yesterday and today has been a great thorn in my side.  The other day I would not let the pain win, I was going to enjoy my day and work on the house regardless of the pain I was in.  Today has put me to the test, aside from the ankle and elbow, I woke up not being able to bend or use my right index finger.  Not being able to use either arm/hand was the last straw, it was a rather hot day and all I wanted to do was put my hair up, seems silly now that I am typing it, but that was my breaking point and from there on out, the day just went down hill.  I could not put my hair up so in a moment of pure frustration, I just started to cry.    :(

     Back to yesterday, it was such a wonderful day!  I woke up not being to apply pressure to my left foot, so I hopped to the bathroom, took my meds and went to sit down.  I was up for about thirty minutes, when Shawn came in saying his parents were ready to go to Lowes, (we needed to get insulation for the upstairs) I got up to get ready.  Brennan was still sleeping and I was still trying to get ready, (it takes a while when you can't move) when Shawn came in, said he was just going to leave.  I was not quite ready yet, Brennan still needed to get up and get ready too, he really wanted to go get it over with, so he could work on the house.  I really wanted to go, just to get out of the house, stay moving and stay positive, I completely understood his point so I let him know that it was ok.  He really is amazing sometimes (also I suck at hiding how I feel) he could see I was upset, that I wanted to go but didn't want to be a hindrance to his day, so he changed his mind, I had five minutes to finish getting ready and get Brennan ready.  Yay!  We got home unloaded and started the work on the upstairs, trying to get it ready for winter.  Brennan was there to help/get in the way, but the day was so wonderful I didn't mind that he was underfoot.  Lots of breaks due to the heat being almost unbearable up stairs, the breaks were the best part of the day.  One break we took a quick ride in the work truck to the back of the house, just because, then sat in the shade enjoying conversation with Brennan on the swing bench. 







Conversation in the picture above Brennan "maybe Daddy when you get your jeep fixed, maybe we go mudding.  Does that sound like a deal?"  He is so cute it's almost to much! 

     Up stairs we have some beds for storage, to get them out of the way we stacked them, which instantly became a place to play and bond with Daddy for Brennan.

 

It was so wonderful spending time with my family, that the pain seem to melt away!  I may not have been able to afford the fair but as you can see by the smiles, we had a really great day.  I always love to see Shawn with Brennan, he did so great when Brennan did a super man dive across the ground.  Poor kid scrapped up his chest and was rather upset, Shawn stepped up and got him laughing in no time.



 

     I Loved yesterday and went to bed thinking tomorrow can only get better, boy was I wrong.  I woke up in more pain then the day before, with hot muggy weather, it was just too much.  Just as I was getting ready to get motivated (around 1pm, Yikes!!!) I had an uneasy conversation with Shawn's mom, which lasted almost 2 hours, but ended nicely.  This added time on to my day which threw me off, I needed to go to the bank and wanted to bring Brennan to the park (I felt horrible that I was in such a slump that I wanted to get him out to have fun.)  I tried to put my hair up, obviously that didn't go over well, it just made me flustered and angry.  I was in a rush, I hate that feeling, once again adding to the stress.  Off to the park we went, for a short run around, we meet up with Brennan's buddy Luke.   Poor Luke was having a bad day but Brennan made the best of it, he really is a great inspiration to me. I strive to be the best Mother I can be but fail in so many ways, like all of today, but he continues to  On my way to the bank I called my Mom (she is truly my best friend) I just let it all out tears and all, pain really can mess with your head.  Some guy wasn't paying attention and almost ran me off the highway, I managed to avoid a side swipe but it just added to the stress of my day, at that point I just yelled can this day just be over with please!!!!  Maybe the universe heard me, my day didn't get any better but definitely didn't get any worse.  Ended it with subway, snuggles and some time to blog, to bad I forgot to publish it last night!  So Good morning my mood is much better today everything still hurts but the humidity is down and my motivation up, here's to a better day.  I will over come this!!!

 

-Patty Hilton-

My First Blog :) A bit of a bumpy day!

     It's been a day, if it wasn't 10:38pm I'd start with some background information but that could take me all night.  I will say tonight, that I have been struggling with Lupus for about a year now, it is an autoimmune disease, that for me attacks my joints (the most), muscles, lymph nodes, and skin (causes very large and somewhat painful hives).  Today has been a struggle, I can get past most day to day pain, but some days it is more then the average and it was my left elbow that pushed me to cranky and depressed, being able to fully extend or contract your arm is something I never really thought much about until I couldn't do it.  I do not like being cranky it is not the person I am and not the person I want to be but some days the pain wins and that is something I am working on.  Defeating this disability mentality, especially being bipolar is going to be difficult but I can do it.

     Today I woke up and it felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck everything was sore stiff and angry.  It didn't take long to let the pain take over and it become an I don't want to do anything kind of day (which I have been struggling with quite a bit lately.)  I also wanted to go to the fair tomorrow, but as Shawn (my S.O.) pointed out, we don't have enough money because I dropped down to part time and we need to finish our house (I'll blog about that another day.)  That didn't improve my mood, I feel bad because we got into a small argument about it and he had a valid point,(I just paid a bunch of bills online we really didn't have the money) I just wanted to go spend sometime with friends.  I know that the argument didn't help his mood at all and it set the day off on the wrong foot for both of us.  I became a little too upset, this is something I am trying to improve, not so good with that this morning. :/

     My day did get better even though my elbow did not, as if my elbow pain wasn't enough, as I hold my elbow in a bent position through out the day, without relaxing it, it begins to make my bicep burn.  It also makes it very difficult putting my hair up, but watching the faces I make as I try it finagle that task is rather amusing!  Sorry side tracked, (I will do that a lot, like a young child when they see something shiny.)  Back to my day getting better, after the unhappy discussion with Shawn I wandered the yard pondering what we had just talked about and how I could have handled it better, to end in a less cranky state for both of us.  As I wandered I found one of the last thimble berries of the season and happily brought it to my three year old son Brennan (I love these berries they are so good) he had never had one, the smile on his face said it all, he likes them too.  Then I found a colorful fuzzy caterpillar, that I pointed out to Brennan and quickly went in to grab my camera, so I could get a picture.  Instantly my mood had improved, it's awesome how seeing my son enjoy a berry I picked and taking some simple pictures of a bug greatly changed how I felt.  To add to my good mood, we had a bad mold problem this winter (not at the bettering my day part yet) living in an unfinished house with a long cold winter took it's toll, we pulled up some of the plywood up stairs to see how far the mold went (we found a bunch over our dinning room area, feared it was through out the whole house,) to our surprise there was none. (Insert happy dance) :)

     Most of the rest of the day was spent relaxing and trying to rest up so that I could be more productive tomorrow.  Oh a big thank you, even though he will never see this (not so big with the computers) to Shawn's father Andy for buying and cooking supper, it allowed me a little more rest and relaxation.  So I leave you with a picture of a colorful fuzzy caterpillar and a good night.  (Mostly because my left hand is going numb but also, it's getting late.)  Here's to a better and more positive day tomorrow!!!  :)

-Patty Hilton-